Ranking Brom Bones

Tommy Doyle in Halloween 6. The Skeleton Singer from Hocus Pocus. The Devil from Hellbent. Dylan McDermott in a Dracula costume on AHS: Murder House. Yeah… Halloween has a good crop of seasonally appropriate hotties.

But I feel like there’s one who doesn’t seem to get much love, despite being in one of the most beloved autumn stories of all time. So join me, boys and ghouls, as I breakdown the varied incarnations of my personal favorite Halloween hunk – Brom Bones.

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The Legend of Sleepy Hollow – 1980 – Dick Butkus

Aside from being completely distracted by the actor’s name, this Brom Bones is probably the caricature most people would come up with when asked to describe the character. Dumb, brutish, manly, and mean-spirited. He might work for all the bear lovers out there, but it’s a pass for me.

 

The Headless Horseman – 1922 – Ben Hendricks Jr.

This black-and-white, silent version of the story lost me quickly when I tried to watch it. Not only was the story strangely told and skewed, but the Brom in it was some chubby-cheeked blahbody. Next!

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Shelley Duvall’s Tall Tales & Legends – 1985 – Tim Thomserson

This Brom is a bit older than most portrayed, and not just because he’s set in some classic colonial wig. He’s definitely more mature (looking) and manic than my ideal Brom would be, but hey, I’ll give him his nice jawline.

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Wishbone: The Legend of Creepy Collars – 1997 – Joe Nemmers

He’s dark featured and a bit devilish, which totally draws me in, but TBH, I have a hard time believing that this Brom would have hailed the Netherlands. Points lost for historical authenticity. 

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The Adventures of Ichabod & Mr. Toad – 1949 – voiced by Bing Crosby

A lot of people debate who the hunkiest Disney toon-dude is, with Gaston or Prince Eric often taking the first place prize, but my vote always goes for Brom Bones. He’s muscular, he wears tight purple pants, he sings spooky stories, and I’m here for it.

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Sleepy Hollow – 1999 – Casper Van Dien

I was a young teen when Casper Van Dien came into my life and made many a-stirrings within my groin. He was a space solider daddy in Starship Troopers. He was creature-fighting daddy in Python and Shark Attack. And here, in Sleepy Hollow, he was colonial-era daddy and all I ever wanted was to stroke his musket. 

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The Legend of Sleepy Hollow – 1999 – Paul Lemelin

But wait! What’s this? A Brom Bones I’ve never heard of before? These were the thoughts I had when I noticed a second Sleepy Hollow tale came out of the late 90’s. A Canadian, made-for-TV Hallmark movie that, although slow moving, is a fairly decent adaption. But best of all? Its incarnation of Brom is now my forever favorite.

He’s young, he’s cocky but not a complete asshole, he has a sweet side, and he’s a fucking blacksmith. If any of you had been in Colonial Williamsburg, VA when I was during a family vacation in ’06, you’d know what happens when I encounter hot dudes in historical garb, working with hot metal. (It’s a very particular and peculiar attraction, I know.) But whatever… just look at this fucking blonde hottie bending a horseshoe with his bare hands. Gimme. 

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So? Who’s your favorite Brom? Let me know with a comment below! And from me to you, have a spooky and happy Halloween!

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